This wouldn’t be so surprising if I were newly divorced.

But I haven’t been on a date in 8 years.

OMG. When I look at in writing, I can’t even believe it myself. Not one date. Not one cup of coffee. Not one dinner. Not one glass of wine.

And yet, somehow, this feels okay.

I admit that I don’t really put myself out there. I don’t have time. Yes, I know people will say that I could make time. And I wouldn’t disagree. But honestly, I’d rather spend my babysitting money and any free moments catching up with the people I have fallen off the face of the earth with (and there are many). I’d much prefer to share a glass of wine with dear friends than across from the frog prince from Match. It’s a choice thing, I know.

I suppose I hold onto this notion that finding love should be a bit more organic. The thought of dating sites so goes against my grain. I know it’s commonplace, but I guess I just still hope for old fashioned fate. You know, we both reach for the same book at the bookstore type of thing. Clearly I am out of the loop on dating, but I just want the experience to feel more authentic than forced.

But truth be told, at the heart of this really, are two major issues.

First, I’m honestly terrified about meeting someone that I actually like and want a relationship with, because I have a fear of what this would do to my family dynamic. I love my life with the kids. We are incredibly happy. We joke about my dating, and my son thinks it’s okay if he is a hockey player, and my daughter thinks I should date the Rock (um, yeah, me too). But truthfully, I think even something as simple as a date could alter this perfect little life we have created together. It’s incredibly hard to think about how to let someone into this scenario. The kids have been through so much, I may regret altering their world, our world. Yes, it could make our lives even richer; I do get that.

Secondly, there’s a part of me, a part I keep it seriously suppressed, that wonders if love is going to elude me in this lifetime. When I was getting divorced, my ex-husband told me repeatedly that “No one will ever love you.” And while I know he said that in spite and to be cruel, there is a part of me that wonders if that’s true. Don’t get me wrong, my life is love-filled; my children, my family, my friends are all part of the wonderful life I have. But I’m talking about the love you find in a partner, someone who knows you intimately, who has your back at the end of the day. And even massages it. The person you happily grow old with.

In the nights when I feel lonely, I wonder if I will always be alone. Maybe I won’t find that kind of love for myself. And to top that off, I think I have built up so many walls that I would need a chisel to break down into a position where I could be totally vulnerable with someone. That hasn’t been part of my repertoire for so long.

I wonder…….